Conversion
by Warrior Judge
OWNERSHIP
DISCLAIMER: The characters of Xena and Gabrielle belong in their entirety to
Universal/MCA, Renaissance Pictures, and all the other powers that
be...Yadayadayada. No copyright
infringement is intended. I wrote this story at the urging of my muse; it should
never be used for profit.
VIOLENCE:
LOVE/SEX
WARNING/DISCLAIMER:
RELIGION
DISCLAIMER:
THANKS:
1. CJ
Wells (You are the greatest) - A
brilliant bard, in my humble opinion. Check out her installments FREEDOM and THE
EMBRACE. They are amazing and had been a tremendous inspiration to me. Thanks,
dear, for making the time and the effort for me.
2. Noa
(I’m proud to be your friend) - For
being there for me, putting up with my whining, for all your help.
3.CB -
Thank you for your hard work in mending my story. You’re the best.
Comments & Feedback: Please! Pretty please, with sugar on top!
From Gabrielle’s
Diary
Baden, Germany
Monday 30/11/1750
I was
twenty years of age when I first joined "Our Lady Of Sorrows" Convent in Baden.
I was
born and raised in Stuttgart by poor, humble Catholic parents. I was their only
child. My mother had some complications during labor and it left her sterile. My
father always used to tell me that my birth was a miracle and that I was a gift
from God. My parents believed that one must always return a favor with a favor.
So, ever since I was a little girl my parents decided they would dedicate me to
God. My parents taught and educated me to love and worship God and his son, our
Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. They taught me well and I did grow to love and
worship God and so becoming a nun was only natural. Since my puberty I have
dedicated myself to God and saved my body pure for the Lord, allowing no one
touch it. It wasn’t an easy task, especially since the neighbors’ boys started
noticing me and sniffing around me.
I was very proud of myself for maintaining my virginity.
When I
was eighteen I attended the "Exelsis Dei" Convent here in Stuttgart, but since I
disobeyed the Prioress, I was expelled and sent to a less prestigious convent,
the one in Baden.
The
day I arrived at "Our Lady Of Sorrows" Convent in Baden was a cold and rainy
one. I remember standing outside its huge, heavy wooden door, rubbing my palms
against each other for heat. With a frozen and numb fist, I knocked on the door.
By the time the nuns opened the door I was already soaking wet and had lost
sensation in my toes.
"Pax
vobis, Sister Gabrielle, we’ve been expecting you." The nun who opened the door
said to me and cleared the path for me to enter. I walked in.
"Et
cum spiritu tu." I returned the greeting.
"I’m
Sister Anna, welcome to our convent." Without even a breath she rapidly went on:
"You’ll be
given a dry hood and a dry habit and be shown to the Dormitorium. You will be
sleeping in the bed next to Sister Agnes. After you are dry, you will be taken
to the Prioress for interview." She said and we began walking through a very
long corridor with naked walls, save the monumental cross that was hung on the
wall to my right.
At the end of the
corridor, a staircase awaited us. Silently we climbed up the stairs to the
second floor of the convent. I was shown to the Dormitorium. The Dormitorium was
huge and had only several small windows with dark brown curtains and about forty
beds with white sheets neatly tucked in. A heavy wooden desk and a large closet
also occupied the Dormitorium. Next to each bed, there was a small dresser with
candles, a pack of matches and a copy of the bible. Crosses with the image of
the crucified were nailed to the wall above the heads of the beds. In our order,
the Benedictine order, young nuns and elderly nuns slept in the same Dormitorium
together. Aside from that, the Dormitorium is to be lit with candle light
throughout the night. The reason for these rules is to prevent abominations such
as copulation between nuns. As I was walking further into the Dormitorium I
could hear the squeaking of the floorboards and the odor of dust greeted my
nostrils.
"The
left bed is yours. In the closet you will find a clean and dry hood and habit."
She said briefly and pointed her index finger first to the bed and then to the
closet. " After you are all dried and changed, I’ll take you to the Prioress for
an interview." She said and then turned her very full figure, exited the room
and closed the door behind her.
I put
down my small gray suitcase, opened it and took out a towel that my mother sewed
my initials on. I took off my
hood and dried my damped blond hair. I then took off my habit and dried my body,
which was cold and had goose bumps all over. I opened the closet, took out the
hood and habit I found there and wore them as instructed. I exited the
Dormitorium and saw Sister Anna waiting for me in the corridor. She escorted me
to the Prioress’ study room, which was back on the first floor. Once I was in,
Sister Anna left the study and I was left alone with the Prioress.
"Sit
down, my child." She said with a soft, soothing alto voice. I sat down in front
of her. A wide desk made of oak filled the space between us. The wall to her
left was covered with many shelves that were loaded with books. She was sitting
on a high back chair. Finally, my gaze met hers.
"I’m
Sister Maria and I’m the Prioress of the "Our Lady of Sorrows" Convent." She
introduced herself. She had magnificent ocean blue eyes, strong high cheekbones
and beautiful red lips. She had the most stunning face I have ever seen in my
life. For a minute there I was afraid I would lose track of what she was saying.
I couldn’t see her hair because the hood she was wearing covered it. But I knew
the color of it was raven black, because that was the color of her eyebrows. The
Prioress had a necklace with a cross hanging on it. The cross that was resting
on her chest was made of gold and was very large for a pendent. It was at least
five times the size of the average. She looked at the papers that she held
before her eyes.
"You
are Sister Gabrielle, correct?" She asked and raised her glance to me.
"Correct, Prioress." I answered.
"I
understand you had a run in with the Prioress in the previous convent you
attended, "Exelsis Dei" wasn’t it?" She inquired, but I could tell by her tone
that she already knew the answer.
"Yes,
Prioress." I said quietly, shyly.
"So,
having difficulties with obeying the rules...a bit of a rabble, are we?" I
didn’t detect any harshness in her voice. But rather the opposite, she sounded
almost amused. " Out of curiosity, what did you do, my child?" She raised an
eyebrow and I saw a shadow of a smile at the corner of her lips. When she didn’t
hear me uttering a single word, she placed down the documents she held slowly
onto the table. "Well?" she finally urged me.
"My
sisters from "Exelsis Dei", and I went to visit demented people in a mental
asylum back in Stuttgart. The Prioress asked us to pray for their souls, for
their salvation. She forbade us to touch them and explained to us that they were
at the grasp of Satan. Those demons possessed their deformed bodies and in order
to remain pure for God, we must not get too close to them, or touch them. A
small child at the corner of the hall captured my sight. He was small and was
trembling terribly, apparently from hours of crying." As I was reminiscing, the
vision of that poor little boy appeared before my mind’s eye and I felt a big
lump swelling in my throat. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to carry my voice
and break down in tears. "He was crying for his mother who had probably
abandoned him there that day...His cries tore my heart. I couldn’t resist it
anymore and against my better judgment I went to him. I held him tight in my
arms and comforted him." As I was finishing the tale, I saw a small smile
forming for a brief moment at the corner of the Prioress lips. Alas, after a
short while, she resumed her stoic expression.
"Well, my child, if
you do not wish to be expelled from this convent, you must understand that I
will tolerate nothing less than absolute obedience and total discipline." She
informed me. She didn’t use a harsh tone, yet she left no room for
misunderstandings. I heard her message loud and clear.
"Yes,
Prioress." I humbly retorted and bowed my head in acceptance.
"The
convent’s bells strike at first light. All the sisters gather in the chapel for
morning prayers. Afterwards we all have breakfast in the dining hall. During the
mornings we all work at the vivarium and the vegetable garden. We grow carrots,
onions and peas. Lunch is served precisely at noon. In the afternoon we all
gather in the main hall, which is a library, for service and studying. We pray
again in the evening and then return to the Dormitorium. I have deliberately
placed you next to Sister Agnes’ bed. She is most obedient and devoted. Since
you obviously have a discipline problem, I strongly advise you to learn from
her. She’ll set a perfect example for you, Sister Gabrielle." The Prioress rose
to her feet and so did I. It was at
that moment that I realized how very tall she was. She was impressive and I
looked at her in awe.
"Any
questions?" She asked and looked into my eyes as if she was searching my soul.
"None,
Prioress." I promptly answered.
"Very
well, then. Follow the rules and we will get along just fine, I assure you." She
paused for a moment and then added,
"Welcome, Sister Gabrielle." She smiled a toothy smile accompanied by a
pair of glaring blue eyes. I lowered my head, paying her respect and left her
study. Finding the vivarium was no trouble at all and soon enough I joined my
fellow sisters.
Upon
my arrival, I saw a few sisters whispering in each other’s ears and pointing at
me. One of the sisters approached me.
"Pax
Vobis,"
"Et
cum spiritu tu."
"I’m
Sister Agatha."
"I’m
Sister Gabrielle." I said and smiled.
"And
how was your interview with the Prioress?"
"Just
fine, I guess."
"She
is a holy woman in the truest sense of the word. She wasn’t like that all her
life though, word is she used to be quite promiscuous." She whispered.
"I
see." I answered and heavily blushed. I was contemplating Sister Agatha’s
remarks regarding the Prioress. She seemed to be so pure and virtuous that I
couldn’t picture her in my mind’s eye any other way.
"You
must follow the rules. The Prioress is very strict and nothing evades her. She
knows everything that goes on around here...and I do mean everything." Sister
Agatha, who seemed to be around my age, gave me an intense look that spooked me
a little. I didn’t know whether to take her words seriously or not. For one, it
is hard to believe that the Prioress had a questionable reputation and yet
became the Prioress of a convent at quite a young age. She seemed as if she is
no older than 30 years. Moreover, I sensed that Sister Agatha gave the Prioress
characteristics that only the lord possesses...knowing EVERYTHING that goes on
in the convent...really...
"Come
now, let us join our sisters in labor." She said. We both strode towards the
vivarium.
At
lunchtime, Sisters Agnes and Agatha and all the others entered the dining hall.
It had long rolls of wooden benches and tables. We entered the line and waited
our turn to get our food. After we got it, we sat down at the table. After all
the other sisters had their plates in front of them on the table, there was
silence. All of my fellow sisters stood up.
"What
are we waiting for?" I whispered in Sister Agnes’ ear.
"For
the Prioress, of-course." She retorted rather harshly.
Then I
saw the Prioress enter the hall. She was indeed very tall and amazingly
beautiful. There was this aura about her...She looked like an angel that came
down from heaven. She is by far more righteous than I, I thought, for she knew
carnal lust and pleasures of the flesh. Yet she cast it away, waved it, for the
love of our lord Jesus Christ. I, on the other hand, knew none -- Therefore, her
sacrifice is by far greater than mine. She was walking slowly toward her place
at the head of the long table and I couldn’t help but look at her almost with
veneration.
"You
may sit." She announced once she had reached her destination. We all sat. I saw
her searching for something with her blue eyes.
"Sister Gabrielle." She called.
"Yes,
Prioress." I gasped for she startled me.
"How
is your Latin?" She questioned. I hesitated for a moment and then coughed:
"Fairly well, Prioress."
"Good,
please do us the honor and say Benedicite." She ordered politely and smiled as
if to encourage me. All the sisters bowed their heads, entwining their fingers
on the tables before their chests. I said Benedictine in Latin while praying a
silent prayer in my heart that no one noticed the trembling of voice. After the
last word had been uttered from my mouth, the sisters said "Amen" in union and
began to eat. I looked at the Prioress. The reason for staring at her eluded me,
but still I did and I saw her looking back at me. She smiled and then looked
down at her plate and began eating as well. The fact that she caught my gaze made me
feel somewhat uncomfortable.
I
learned that it was a custom in the convent to bathe after lunch and before
studying in the library. Back at "Exelsis Dei", I never took a bath with the
rest of the sisters in the communal bathroom. I guess it was because I was too
shy and embarrassed to reveal my naked form to anyone but myself. I realize it
was not rational; after all, we were all women. But still, I couldn’t bring
myself to expose my body this way. I had decided to do what I did in the
previous convent I attended; I would bathe at night, when everyone was asleep.
After
all the sisters came back from their bath we went to the main hall to study. The
Prioress had already waited for us in the hall. We all took our places and sat
down quickly so as not to make the Prioress wait for us for too long. The
Prioress stood on a high podium so that all of us could see her. We all sat
around the podium, which forced her to turn every now and then to show her face
to all of her audience. She began her preaching. I hate to admit this but the
way she moved the power and conviction with which she spoke captured me and I
couldn’t concentrate on what she was actually saying. I couldn’t make out the
words, but I distinctly noticed the tone of a question coming out of her mouth.
To my great misfortune it was directed to me.
"Your
answer, Sister Gabrielle..." She was piercing me with her eyes.
"I’m
sorry, what was the question, Prioress?" My voice barely registered above a
whisper. I was amazed that she heard me at all. She must have acute hearing, I
acknowledged.
"You’ll be fined with five ‘Hail Mary’s’ Sister Gabrielle, and don’t let
me catch you next time. I won’t be so merciful. Not even ten "Hail Mary’s" will
be of salvation to you." She raised her voice at me and I felt the blood leaving
my body. I could not help feeling extremely humiliated for being reprimanded by
her in front of my peers even after I bowed my head, as a fruitless attempt to
avoid her wrath. I could still feel
her angered narrowed eyes piercing me. At that moment, I made a resolution - I
would never provide her with a reason to reprimand me again. Just in time, she
resumed her lecture and I memorized every word she said.
The long study session went on and on and at one point it seemed
it would never end. The bells, which announced the end of the day, were like
saviors to me. We all went to the chapel that was at the right wing of the
convent. The chapel was lovely in spite of its rather petite dimensions. What
really caught my sight was the relatively large organ it had. When Sister Agatha
saw me eyeing the instrument she simply muttered,
"The
Prioress occasionally plays it."
As I
was walking into the chapel, I tilted my head and observed the breathtaking
vitreous and statues that decorated its interior. Right after each had found her
place the prayer began. Since I was so very tired and hungry, I was only too
happy when the evening prayer was finally over and that soon I would be able to
retire to the Dormitorium on the second floor. During supper the Prioress didn’t
skip the opportunity to tantalize me some more and asked of me yet again to say
"Benedicite" in Latin.
When
the day was finally over, I could barely drag my feet up the stairs. Once I
entered the Dormitorium I walked towards my bed in haste. I took off the black
hood and ran my fingers though my short blond hair, feeling it breathing the
fresh air. I lay on my bed, fully dressed minus the hood and shoes and pulled
the covers over my body. As I rested my head on the pillow, I heard myself ask
Sister Agnes, who was in the bed next to me:
"Isn’t
the Prioress sleeping in the Dormitorium with us?"
"Of
course not!" She cried as if she was appalled by the notion of it. "She sleeps
in her own chamber, which is located at the end of the corridor, near the
bath-chamber." She explained after she had calmed down a little.
"What
made Our Prioress repent?" I asked after a few moments of silence.
"What
is it to you, Sister Gabrielle?" She murmured.
"Curiosity, I guess." I answered nonchalantly and turned my head on the
pillow in order to face her.
"The
Prioress was a talented physician before she joined our order. She used to treat
nobility. She had a weird name
before she became a nun...I forget what it was..." She trailed off then she
shook her head as if to enable her to get back on track. " They say both her
mother and her brother died in freakish accidents the same year. To be more
precise, her brother was kicked in the head by a horse and there was nothing the
Prioress could have done for him His injuries were too severe, he died in her
arms. Two months after the death of her brother, the Prioress operated on her
mother. It was suppose to be a common procedure, but her mother died under the
Prioress’s scalpel in a most bizarre way. Prior to their deaths, the Prioress,
so they say, use to copulate with both men and women like the Devil’s bitch in
heat. They say the Prioress believed it was God’s way of punishing her for her
ghastly carnal sins and indiscretions, and so she decided to become a nun."
I was
so shocked by all the things she told me about the Prioress. In her tone of
voice I could almost detect joy and eagerness to deliver that information on the
Prioress to me. Sister Agnes sounded like she was almost happy that the Prioress
wasn’t virtuous before she joined the convent. That in fact she was quite the
opposite, nothing more than Satan’s concubine. During the past day, a lot of
other sisters in the convent approached me and told me that the Prioress has a
kind and merciful heart and that she is practically a saint. And yet, Sister
Agnes is saying all these dreadful things about her. Who was it that gave sister
Agnes those dirty little secrets regarding the Prioress...dirty little
secrets...is that all they were?! Is there truth behind those words?! Can it be
that our Prioress indulged herself in lustful fornication with women as well?
It was
very hard to keep my eyes open and not give in to slumber. I almost surrendered
to my fatigue and was about to give up bathing today. Thank God I was so smelly
that skipping bathing ceased being an option. I waited for about an hour, until
I was sure all the other sisters were sound asleep. Then, on the tip of my toes,
with a towel in my hand and without breathing, I sneaked out of the Dormitorium.
I walked as quietly as a thief along the corridor. I was barefoot and the cold
floor that was made out of stone, unlike the floor in the Dormitorium,
ruthlessly bit at my feet.
I
finally arrived at the bath-chamber. It was dimly lit and so quiet I could hear
my heart beating in my chest. Alongside the right wall I saw a huge round wooden
bathtub, which didn’t contain any water. I strode a few steps further, past the
partition and on to the next bathtub, which reassembled the first one. It also
didn’t contain any water. Empty
also was the third and the forth and so on. I finally reached the partition
before the last round bathtub. I prayed to God that it would be filled with
water, any water, even freezing cold water. I advanced one step forward and
looked at the bathtub. I was startled and gasped for air at the sight that
greeted my disbelieving eyes. I didn’t expect to find the Prioress descending
her naked body into the tub.
"Sweet
Jesus!" The words escaped my mouth without going through any cognitive process.
"Hush,
child, disobedience is one thing, but I simply won’t tolerate blasphemy. Is that
clear?"
"Yes,
Prioress." I mumbled. I saw the Prioress settle herself in the tub, for some
reason I couldn’t look away even though I knew I should have.
"What
are you doing here so late anyway?" The Prioress inquired and looked at me. I
kept still and didn’t answer her for I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid she
would send me packing.
"Well,
since you’re holding a towel in your hand, you’re not wearing your hood, and
you’re in the bath-chamber, the most logical deduction would be that you are
here in order to wash yourself. Am I right?" She said with a low jesting voice. I
guess she just wanted to ease my mind and enable me to relax. I nodded.
"May I
ask why you didn’t take a bath when scheduled?" For a second she ducked under
the surface and wetted her long, smooth, thick, raven-black hair. She then took
her arms from under the water and placed them spread open on the edge of the
tub. She had strong muscular arms and shoulders, and her skin was glistening as
the light from the candles illuminated her.
"Well," I stopped evading her astonishing blue eyes and I dared look
directly into them. "It just
that...umm...well..." I began to stammer like an imbecile and mentally kicked
myself for that.
"You
don’t wish to expose your body before the others..." She answered for me. She
took the soap in her hand and began washing her chest, all without breaking eye
contact with me. "What’s the matter, my child, is your body deformed?" She said
and I can swear I heard pain in her voice as if she were suffering for me.
"Not
at all, Prioress, I’m just extremely shy." I muttered.
"Do
you feel shame now? Are you embarrassed in my presence as well?" She asked and I
sensed such confidence and reassurance in her voice, that I realized I wasn’t
feeling neither shame nor embarrassment in her presence.
"Strangely enough, no." Came my muffled reply.
"Then
climb into the tub and join me." She said and smiled. "Unless you want to fill
another tub with hot water." I took off my habit and undergarments with agile
hands. In a blink of an eye I was naked like the day I was born with the
faintest feel of shame in my heart. I saw her passing a few quick glances over
my body. I know I’m not supposed to feel pride but humility like our Lord did,
but the fact is I’m proud of my body. It was well toned, firm and feminine. I
entered the hot water and sat opposite her, facing her. The water soothed my
tired body and I closed my eyes succumbing to the sensation and the lilac
fragrance of the steamy water.
"How
was your first day in the convent, my child?" She asked with the sweetest of
voices.
"Interesting." I responded.
"And
what was so interesting about it?" I saw her coaxing an eyebrow.
"New
place, new people..." For the next few moments’ silence ruled the hall. I
observed the Prioress. She was slowly and somewhat distractedly soaping her
body. It looked as if something was troubling her. She was staring at no
particular object and it seemed her mind was far away. She wasn’t mantling her
stoic mask as usual.
"You
know, my child, it is by no means an easy task being a Prioress." She finally
said.
"I
never believed it to be an easy task," I said and took a chunk of soap, rubbed
it against my palm and then ran my hands over my body, scrubbing the dirt
away.
"It
gets lonely." She uttered in a small voice. The moment her words struck my ears
I ceased all manual activities to my body and looked at her, searching for
something, a clarification, perhaps. Oh...and how quickly Sister Agatha’s words
about the Prioress’ sexual perversions began swirling in my head...
"How
so, Prioress?" I asked, my hands remaining still.
"I
can’t be a friend with any of the sisters. If I did they’d lose respect and the
loss of discipline is bound to follow."
She still looked distant and kept staring at that evasive spot she had
been previously staring at.
"I can
be your friend if you like, I promise I won’t lose respect and discipline." I
sincerely suggested. I was eagerly hoping she would accept my offer, but her
outburst of laughter sobered me from my ridiculous wishes.
"Dear
child...you of all nuns...you can not possibly lose discipline... because you
didn’t possess any to begin with." She managed to utter in between laughs. I
couldn’t resist the urge to insolently show the Prioress how offended I was by
her words and laughter. So I plastered the right expression on my face. After
she managed to stifle her laughter she turned to me and said:
"You
shouldn’t take offense."
"None
taken." I assured her.
"You
probably don’t know it, but the Prioress of the former convent you attended
wrote to me that she also found out you engaged yourself in writing adventure
stories...since it had nothing to do with our religion, she didn’t approve of
it. Even though forbidden, she didn’t confront you with it so as not to
embarrass you. She said she thought you have the potential of becoming a very
devoted nun. But because she dreads your possible bad influence on the other
nuns, she had to expel you."
"I
won’t write my stories anymore, Prioress."
I lowered my head.
"I
will allow you to write your stories, my child, just don’t tell the other nuns.
After all, we wouldn’t want anarchy in here, now, would we?" She smiled. As much
as her consent to my writing amazed me, it was her next sentence that
overwhelmed me and left me speechless. I saw her face wearing a somewhat serious
expression and heard her say, " It would be a sin to capture and restrict a
liberated and wonderful spirit such as yours."
"Thank
you, Prioress." I muttered once I regained control over my voice. She cleaned
the soap from her body. Once she was done, she rose to her full height. She
exposed to me to her glorious form, which was accented by the candlelight and
had small droplets sliding down its length. She carefully exited the tub and
dried herself. I was too embarrassed to look at her and so I pretended to be
busy with cleaning myself up. I got out of the tub as well. A freezing draft
invaded the bath-chamber and brushed my body, causing it to tremble
uncontrollably. My upper set of teeth clang to the lower so tight I couldn’t
even speak my distress. I wrapped my arms around my body, modestly concealing my
hardened nipples from the Prioress’ eyes. The Prioress took my towel and
enveloped my body, embracing my shoulders. She rubbed my biceps with her hands,
hard and fast, in order to generate some heat.
"Thank
you, Prioress." I said. She stepped back away from me and reached for her habit.
After
she was fully dressed the heavy, golden cross, rested on her chest once again.
She turned to me and asked, " Will you be my friend, Sister Gabrielle?"
"I’d
be honored, Prioress." I tried my best to convince her of my sincerity.
"I
appreciate it." She smiled, quite in relief I believe.
She
began strolling towards the bath-chamber door and just before she vanished
behind it, she turned to me once more and said,
"You
are welcome to bathe with me tomorrow as well. I will enjoy your company, Sister
Gabrielle."
"Thank
you, Prioress, I will." I couldn’t contain the wide grin that plastered across
my face. She nodded and bid me good night...in Latin.
I
dressed as quickly as possible, for I was very cold and wished to keep the time
of exposure to a minimum. I sneaked back into the Dormitorium and awaited
slumber to take me. I wonder what friendship with the Prioress would yield?
It was the last thought that had occupied my mind before I
succumbed to slumber.
*********
1/12/1750 Tuesday
With
great effort I managed to get out of my bed when the convent’s bells announced
the morning’s arrival. Getting up at the crack of dawn was the hardest thing
about being a nun...yes, even harder than celibacy. At least it wasn’t as cold
as it was the previous day, quite the opposite. It was a shiny day outside. I
anticipated the moment we would all go outside and work in the vegetable garden.
I was in desperate need of some fresh air for the air inside the convent was
dusty and mossy. I also longed for the bright light of the sun beyond the
convent’s walls, which was dimly lit by candles alone. The scent of ancient air,
along with the poor and pale illumination of the convent, gave it a grim and
gloomy atmosphere that was difficult for me to get used to.
Finally the time arrived. The back doors of the convent opened and all
the nuns went outside to work in the vivarium and the garden. To my amazement,
the Prioress was among the workers. In "Exelsis Dei," the Prioress never worked
the garden with us because physical labor such as this was beneath a nun of her
stature. However, in "Our lady of Sorrow" the Prioress worked hard like the rest
of us. As a matter of fact, it seemed to me like she was working harder than the
rest of us. She demonstrated immense strength in labor, which explained her ever
so beautiful muscular body.
I
could barely wait until darkness would envelope the sky. I longed for the
intimate moments with the Prioress. Throughout the day the Prioress didn’t pay
me any special attention. As a matter of fact she didn’t exchange so much as a
single word with me. She didn’t even ask me to say the "Benedicite" before the
meals. Thank God a nun’s day in the "Our lady of Sorrows" convent was so full
and hectic that the day passed fast enough.
After
the last prayer in the chapel, we all retired to the Dormitorium. I waited for
about an hour and then sneaked out of the large chamber.
The
Prioress was already waiting for me in the bath-chamber. By the looks of the
steam I could tell that the tub had already been filled with hot water. When she
saw me, the Prioress began to undress. I had reached the final partition. For
some reason I thought it would be more appropriate tonight if I turned my back
to her while I undress, and so I did. I rid myself of all my clothing in
absolute silence. I tried to take off the necklace with the cross, but I
couldn’t get it. I found myself struggling with it with nervous fingers for a
few long moments.
"Would
you like me to help you with that?" The Prioress said and stood behind me. She
stood close enough for me to sense the heat radiating from her body. I felt her
long, evidently skillful fingers on the back of my neck, working the challenge
my necklace posed, and her warm breath on my hair. I felt a shiver rushing
through my naked body, which I couldn’t account for. Nevertheless, I was hoping
it would escape the Prioress, alas it didn’t.
"Are
you cold?" She asked with concern.
"No."
I answered stupidly enough. She
finally managed to open it and took it off me. She stepped back and entered the
tub and so did I, seating myself in front of her.
"How
was your day, my child?" she inquired.
"Long." I chuckled and she smiled. She began soaping her muscular and
feminine body.
"So,
What have you heard about me?" She suddenly asked. I was shocked.
"Wha...what are you t...talking about, Prioress?" My tongue grew heavy and tangled in my
mouth. I lowered my head so as not
to disclose the fact that I knew, only too well, what was she talking about.
"Have
you been told...all sorts of things about me?" She coaxed an eyebrow and
examined my face carefully.
"Is
that why you wanted me to be your friend...so that I would spy for you and
report to you what the nuns say about you behind your back?" I didn’t know why really but I was very
hurt by her. I didn’t really know her. She wasn’t even truly my friend, yet in
some strange way she had this power over me.
"I
don’t need you as a friend in order to know what the nuns are saying behind my
back, I already know that. I was
wondering whether you’ve been exposed to it yet or not." She immediately
defended herself and seemed rather offended.
"They
told me some things." I finally said, fixing my gaze on her icy blue eyes.
"And
what did *they* say?" She asked. For a few moments I dared not say a word. I
didn’t know what to say.
"I was
told you were good and merciful, Prioress." I answered. I don’t know what made
me think I could avoid her question with that kind of answer.
"That’s not what I meant and you know it." She smirked because she saw
right through my pathetic attempt to avoid her question, and so I giggled. Soon
after that she resumed her serious expression. I told her everything that sister
Agnes said about her losing her mother and brother. About her old ways, and
about her belief that God punished her for it. Hence, it was her decision to
become a nun. I felt great embarrassment and bashfulness as I was telling her
about her "old ways". I tried my best to find the most subtle words I could
possibly find in order to sublimate things. When I finished I resumed eye contact
with her.
"Do
you think it’s true?" She asked.
"I
don’t know, Prioress." I answered. At this point we both sat still in the tub,
facing each other. The conversation was too intense so we weren’t engaging in
actual bathing.
"Well,
all of it is true...Yes, even everything *they* told you about my "misconduct" -
as you so eloquently put it - with both men and women. All asides from my belief
that God punished me for it. I didn’t join the order for redemption or
salvation."
"Then
why?"
"Emptiness" Was the single word she uttered.
"Emptiness?" I repeated.
"Exactly so, my child." She said. "When my mother and brother were alive,
I had love in my life. I have never loved any of the people with whom I have
been. None of them seemed to deserve my life. Most of the people I have had were
nobility. They were conniving, petty and corrupted people. I never thought, for
a moment, that God was punishing me for my promiscuity. For I have met worse
people than me, yet I haven’t seen God bringing down his wrath on them. After my
mother and brother died, the love in my heart died and I have found the love of
God and it filled me."
"Who
introduced you to God?" I asked.
"A
priest of one of my lovers." She said shortly and dryly. After a moment of
silence she asked, "Have *they* told you anything else?"
"No,
honestly...Prioress." I retorted and hoped I sounded sincere enough.
"*They* have big noses and even bigger mouths. Don’t they, Sister
Gabrielle? I know the informer is
Sister Agnes." She sighed.
"She
seemed almost too eager to slander you, Prioress."
"I
know, she is upset that I was nominated to be this convent’s Prioress and she
wasn’t, even though she has been living here longer than me."
"So,
how come you got to be Prioress and she didn’t?" I inquired with a small voice.
I thought I was a little out of line...curiosity got the better of me.
"Let’s
just say that I have friends in high places. I was a loyal physician and lover,
don’t forget." She washed her long tresses, lifting her arms and delving her
long fingers into her raven hair. Her lifted arms made her breasts emerge to the
surface.
"What
was your name before you joined the order?" I asked, somewhat distracted.
"Xena." She said and then continued. "My mother named me after a great
warrior woman from ancient Greece...she even sent me to study fencing." She
chuckled. She lowered her hands beneath the water line in order to wash the soap
from them.
"It’s
very unusual and interesting."
"Interesting? How so?"
"In
those stories I write...I tell of a warrior woman who fights for good." I
smiled.
"You
should tell me about them sometime." She said softly and smiled back. Then she
ducked under the surface to wash the soap from her hair. When she reappeared I
said:
"I’d
be delighted!" The Prioress began
to move towards me and then she settled herself to my right. A shiver ran
throughout my body as a result of her proximity. I didn’t understand why. She
sat very close to me yet our bodies weren’t touching.
"What
was your name before you became a nun?"
"I was
always Gabrielle. It resembles the Angel Gabriel, so they let me keep my name"
"And
why have you joined the order?"
I told
the Prioress of my parents and my birth. She looked very interested in the
things I told her. After I finished she said,
"I
insist that we call each other by our given names when we are in private." She
also said she can not have a friend calling her "Prioress." I naturally agreed.
We
finally exited the bath. She handed me the towel, and dried herself as well.
Then she sat on a stool, after she was dressed, and began combing her long hair
with long strokes . I dried my body too and dressed, first my habit then my
hood. At some point she struggled with some tangle in her hair.
"Would
you like me to do that for you, Xena?" I offered with a faint voice, hoping that
I wasn’t crossing any boundaries that I shouldn’t cross.
"Please." She sighed and handed me the comb. I went and stood behind her.
She tilted her head up towards me in order to make my task easier. I gently
combed her hair, one soft stroke succeeding another. The Prioress closed her
eyes. We didn’t exchange words between us. It was so quiet that I could hear my
somewhat ragged breathing.
"All
done." I suddenly announced.
"Thank
you, Gabrielle." She said and stood up, facing me, wearing her hood. "I enjoyed our conversation a great
deal. Can I count on you being here tomorrow?"
"Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Xena." I smiled.
"It’s
settled then. Good night Gabrielle"
"Good
night, Xena."
She
left.
*********
4/12/1750 Friday
Waking
up at first light every morning is getting harder every day, because each night
my bath-time conversations with the Prioress are getting longer. I’m not
complaining, however. I enjoyed
them tremendously and I wouldn’t miss them for anything. Not even a good nights sleep. As a
matter of fact, I eagerly anticipated them.
Last
night I read to her a story of mine. She thoroughly enjoyed it. She even
suggested that maybe the warrior woman in my stories should have a traveling
companion, a Bard of some sort. I thought it was a great idea and thanked the
Prioress for it.
We
talked about religion and philosophy. She told me about her passion for music.
She also told me that she plays the organ. She plays the music that a good
friend of hers composes. She said that his music is the closest thing to God.
She said he was a Protestant, lived in Leipzig and had twenty children...a man
by the name of Bach. Conversing with her is fascinating. She is a brilliant and highly
intelligent woman.
Later
on, I told her about myself and she told me about her past. With each word she
spoke, with each syllable she uttered, she took another piece of my heart. When
talking to her, I felt like I was conversing with someone whom I have known for
years. It felt warm, familiar and safe...it felt like home. At that point we had already finished
bathing so she suggested we continue our conversation in her bedchamber. I was
surprised at how small it was and how modest. It contained only a bed, a few
candles and some books.
She
went on telling me about her past, her feelings, thoughts and sins. She told me
that aside from her countless lovers, she had had even greater transgressions -
her pride and vanity. She was a physician for the wrong reason, not for helping
people, but for the purposes of fame, possessions and station. I felt like I was
her priest. No, not a priest, for contrary to a priest, I didn’t offer her
absolution, I offered her comfort. She opened up to me like she never did with
another soul. She knew I wouldn’t judge her, but understand her and I did. We
were so caught up in the conversation that we didn’t notice it was already two
hours before dawn.
During
the day I was very sleepy and could barely keep my eyes open. All the other
sisters didn’t pay much attention to me and thought nothing of it. All but one,
Sister Agnes. She came to me during lunchtime and asked me if I was coming down
with something. I told her that I didn’t think so. She said to me that if I
didn’t feel well I should approach the Prioress in her study after lunch and let
her examine me, being that she is a skillful physician. I thought to myself that
that could be a great opportunity to spend some time alone with the Prioress. I
just couldn’t wait until the day was over.
When
lunch was finally over I walked to the Prioress’ study and knocked on the door.
"Enter." I heard her invitation. As soon as she saw my head peeking into
her study she smiled. "Come in, Sister Gabrielle." Once I was inside she asked,
"What can I do for you, Gabrielle?" I was amazed at how quickly and efficiently
she managed to put on, and take off, the stoic, cold and detached mask of "the
Prioress".
"I’m
not feeling so well." I said and
sat on the chair before her large desk. She stood up and walked around the desk
until she reached me. She placed a soft palm against my forehead.
"I
don’t sense fever, where exactly does it hurt?" I was afraid if I told her I was
pretending to be ill in order to be with her she’d be angry with me. That and
hopefully she would allow me to retire to the Dormitorium for a nap.
"It’s
my stomach." I placed my hand on my belly and put on the most agonized
expression I could muster.
"Come
with me to the second floor. The convent’s infirmary is there. I founded it
myself." She said, rather proudly I thought.
"Thank
you, Xena." I said with a strained
voice, demonstrating just how much in "pain" I was. She was leading me upstairs
supporting me as we were climbing the staircase. She had one arm wrapped around my waist
and the other securing mine on her shoulder. As I detected her concern for me,
which was evident on her face, I felt awful about the whole charade. But at this
point, it was too late to do anything about it. We finally reached the
infirmary. It was indeed a small chamber. There was a small white desk and a
chair. It also had a very high examining bed with white curtain surrounding it
for privacy. The prioress assisted me in sitting down on the examining bed.
"Do
you need help with taking off your dress or would you rather do it yourself?"
She gently asked and went to take her stethoscope.
"I’ll
manage." I said. I took off my dress, exposing my naked form to her blue eyes.
For some reason I was unbelievably nervous. Maybe because I knew she would touch
me.
I lay
down, having nothing on my body, save my hood and undergarments. Nevertheless, I
never felt more naked in my life. She put the stethoscope in her ears and placed
its metallic cold end on my chest.
"Breathe deeply, Gabrielle." She ordered, and I did just that. After she
finished, she took the stethoscope out of her ears and placed it on the back of
her neck. She then gently placed her hands on my naked stomach, occasionally
pressing it with her fingertips in sporadic places. My skin burned beneath her
touch...there was no denying it anymore.
"Get
dressed," She said. " I can’t find
anything wrong with you and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you are playing
hooky from your responsibilities."
"As a
matter of fact I am just so very tired that I was hoping that you would excuse
me..." At that point she cut through my speech and harshly said:
"If
our gatherings at night are so much of a burden, Gabrielle, that you can’t
handle both it and your responsibilities in the convent, then I won’t have you
meeting me past bed time anymore. You are a nun first and foremost and only
somewhere down the line you are my friend as well. Am I making myself
clear?"
"Yes,
Prioress." I said, fighting back the tears that welled up in my eyes. I sat up
on the examining bed and put my habit back on.
"Further more, young lady, you lied to me. You pretended to be ill and
got me worried about you. If there is one thing I hate, it’s people pretending
and lying. If you want to remain my friend then I suggest you never do that
again!" I could see disappointment and anger in her eyes.
"Yes,
Prioress." I bowed my head.
"Now
go to the Main-hall for studying, Gabrielle." She ordered and raised her index
finger in the direction of the door. I stood up and headed towards the door.
Just before I exited the room I turned to her and asked with a pleading voice:
"Can I
come tonight, Xena?" I hesitated a bit before pronouncing her name.
"Only
if you are up to it." She smiled and I saw the anger leaving her.
Needless to say by the time darkness fell, I was most alert and went to
have my visit with the Prioress.
*********
5/1
Today,
the Boys Choir that is supposed to sing in the Sunday mass, arrived at our
Convent shortly after breakfast for rehearsal. The Prioress allowed me to be
present in chapel during it. She accompanied them with the organ. Indeed she
played divinely and they sang with angelic voices. She mastered both the huge
instrument and the music completely and perfectly. After the rehearsal was over,
she urged me to stay in the church a little longer. She wanted me to listen to
her play Bach’s Passacgalia. It didn’t take much convincing, for I wanted to
stay. And when she played that piece my eyes became moist and soon after, my
cheeks were wet with tears. She made me feel good. She touched my soul.
The
boys of the choir joined us nuns for lunch. They were very skinny and pale. When
their food was placed on the table before them they and devoured it as if they
weren’t fed in months. Sister Anne told me their church is very poor and that
the boys weren’t eating regularly. After lunch was over I took some of the boys
with me and sneaked them into the kitchen. I gave them some poached eggs, bread,
vegetables and honey to take with them.
Up to
that point I had no idea how correct Sister Agatha was about the Prioress.
Nothing escaped her eyes. After the boys left she summoned me to her study and
gave me a piece of her mind regarding the food I gave the boys. She said our
convent was poor as well and that our food is being measured carefully. She told
me that the food I gave them means no food for us. I tried to defend myself,
saying they were just young boys and that it tore at my heart witnessing their
condition, but it was no use. She said she knew I had a good heart and a
merciful soul but I had to learn to obey the rules. She said she’d have to
punish me and so she did. Later she assured me she wasn’t angry with me. She
cupped my cheek with a warm palm and smiled a beautiful smile at me.
Words
cannot describe how I longed for our meeting in the bath-chamber that night. My
heart was hurting from yearning and anticipation. The Prioress conquered me
heart and soul. I needed to see her that night like I needed air for breathing.
Throughout the day, I was daydreaming about Xena kissing my forehead, my cheeks
and my lips. I craved for her to touch me.
It possessed my thoughts. I cannot believe it. I know it’s a sin. I don’t
know if I’m strong enough to beat it. There is nothing I can do besides pray to
the Lord for help and guidance. She is the Prioress for heaven sakes. How can I
even conceive such abomination? The
Prioress and I kissing, it’s hopeless, for she wouldn’t touch me. This I know,
she is a holy woman, she is the Prioress and she is a *woman* so help me God.
After dinner I went to chapel. I knelt before the altar and prayed to God for
strength, for ability to fight temptations. I asked of God to eradicate the
evil, sinful and lustful thoughts and desires I had within me. After I was done,
I crossed myself, stood up and left. In my heart a new resolution formed - I
wouldn’t meet with the Prioress in private again, for it was tormenting my soul.
I have realized I am in love with her...in love. Am I going crazy? What am I saying...
Darkness enveloped the night. I was contemplating in my head whether I
should go to the bath chamber or stay in bed and try to get some sleep. I wished
I were bound to the bed so I wouldn’t have to choose. It was already three hours
before midnight. Usually, at this time I was already taking my clothes off and
joining Xena in the tub. But here I was, just lying in my bed, listening to
Sister Agnes’ snoring and fighting images of Xena’s naked body on top of mine. I
tried to fixate my gaze upon the cross on the wall, thinking salvation will come
from him. Alas, Xena’s naked form
is more attractive than his. Indeed it felt as if all hell broke loose and my
soul was in the storm’s eyes. I never thought I would be tortured like this by
my flesh. I began mouthing with no sound a "Hail Mary." I thought the chanting
would take my mind off Xena. Pretty
soon "Hail Mary" became "Hail Xena." The battle was wearing out my soul. I tried
to smite the Devil from within me. I was exhausted yet I was restless. No doubt
- righteousness is tiring to the soul. I knew it was cold outside and yet sweat
began to bead on my forehead.
Slumber was out of my grasp tonight. Another hour passed and I was
wondering whether she was still taking her bath, or if she finished already. Was
she aware of my absence? Did she
miss me?
The
Dormitorium’s door was opened and the Prioress entered. I immediately closed my
eyes and calmed my breathing so that she would think I was asleep. I was
wondering whether she would wake me or not, whether she would touch me in order
to do so. Obviously, I was ecstatic that she came for me after all. I sensed her
approaching my bed, kneeling next to it and hovering above me.
"Enough with your games, Gabrielle, I know you’re awake. You have fresh
sweat on your forehead on such a cold night...What have you been up to?" She
whispered in my ear so as not to wake up the other nuns. I opened one eye,
followed by the other. She rose to her feet. She signaled me to be quiet by
planting her index finger on her lips, then she motioned me with her hand to
come with her. She walked in front of me with soundless steps and I obediently
followed her.
Once
we were out and away from the Dormitorium, she turned to face me.
"Why
didn’t you come? I’ve been waiting
for you for over an hour!" She hissed.
"I’m
sorry, Xena. I guess I forgot." I mumbled, filled with guilt.
"No
you didn’t. What’s the matter, are you angry with me for punishing you? You know I had no choice. What would the other nuns think? I won’t have them thinking that you are
receiving special treatment from me."
"It’s
not that."
"Then
what is it, for crying out loud?"
"Let's
just leave it be, Xena."
"As
you wish, Gabrielle." She finally gave up. What else could I have done, tell her
I was completely, insanely and hopelessly in love with her?
We
bathed in silence. I was occupied with my thoughts and she - with hers. There
was an unexplainable awkwardness that neither one of us succeeded in shaking off
or understanding its origin. When we finished bathing she broke the
silence.
"Come
with me, I have something I have been wanting to show you for quite some time."
We were both fully dressed. She led me to a back, side door on the second floor.
She drew out a key from above the door. She opened it, saying she is the only
one who passes through that door. Then we began climbing up an endless staircase
that left me breathless and my muscles aching. Soon after I maintained normal
breathing rhythm, I noticed where we were. We were standing in the bell tower.
Only the full moon illuminated it and to its right I examined the pair of old
large metallic bells. They had some cracks here and there but I loved the sound
they made. The heavy bells were so dirty that they did not return the moon’s
light. I averted my look to the opposite direction of the bells and I saw a huge
arched window that began almost from the floor and ended close to the top of the
tower. It was so high that I got a little dizzy. The Prioress caught me just in
time before I fell to my knees. She grabbed me by my arm and chuckled.
"Isn’t
it beautiful?" She looked at the
horizon line and inhaled lungs full of fresh and chilly night air. The wind was
stroking her damp hair.
"It’s
amazing." I gasped.
"This
is where I take refuge. This is the place I come to in order to think. This is
where I spend my summer nights. I come here to sleep." She moved her hand to a
niche in the wall and a small hidden door to a cabin opened. She took out two
big thick blankets from behind it and spread them on the cold stony floor. She
sat down on one of the blankets and invited me to join her. I sat down next to
her.
"What’s going on with you lately?
You seem so distracted." She said in a motherly tone and innocently
placed her hand on my thigh. I could feel the fire raging in my body.
Fruitlessly, I failed to control the sinful fire of hell. It took me a few
moments to acknowledge the fact that the Prioress was still waiting for an
answer.
"I
don’t wish to lie to you Xena, you are my best and only friend, but I can not
tell you the truth either. " I was looking out the arced window, watching Baden
wearing its black cloak.
"Gabrielle, I was hoping that you would trust me by now. I am here for
you, both as your Prioress and your friend. You can feel free to tell me
anything that’s in your heart and I’ll do my up- most to help you"
"You
can’t help me...no one can." I said
with such conviction.
"Have
you committed a sin of the flesh?"
She delicately asked.
"No,"
I said in haste. "I haven’t *done* anything, yet." I said more calmly and played with my
fingers, evading her crystal blue eyes. Nevertheless, I could feel her eyes upon
me. I felt ashamed.
"Maybe
I can be of some help after all.
Sometimes talking about what’s troubling your soul can be a relief."
"I
seriously doubt that." I said in
disbelief. "Maybe I should wait until tomorrow’s confession." I suggested.
"I’d
rather you didn’t. That is to say, I want you to see me as your confidant just
as I see one in you." She seemed
almost appalled by the idea of me going to confession.
"You
have to promise me you won’t think any less of me."
"Gabrielle, you know it’s not possible. You have the purest heart I have
ever..."
"Promise me." I insisted
more firmly.
"I
promise." She finally surrendered.
I took a deep breath.
"It’s
about you." I began. I felt a wave of heat wash over my face.
The cold night air failed to chill me.
I still wasn’t looking at her.
"What
about me?" She sounded surprised.
Since she wasn’t getting any response from me she held my chin between her index
finger and thumb and tilted my head up forcing me to look at her. I began to
regret I hadn’t lied to her.
"I
think I’m in love with you." I
heard myself say. I closed my eyes, for I feared her reaction. I was afraid she
would be disgusted, accusing, and appalled. I couldn’t bear to see any of those
things in her eyes.
"Dear
child, you are confused, that’s all. You are a nun who never tasted sexual
pleasures in her life, but you are also a young woman with needs and desires.
It’s only natural that you have these...thoughts. You picked me of all people
simply because we bathe together every night and not because it’s me you really
want. I was just there so it was easy for you to..."
Rudely
I cut her off. "Don’t do
this!" I said angrily, almost
yelling at her. "Don’t cheapen my
feelings for you this way. Although not as mature and experienced in such
matters as you, I know the difference between love and lust and I know I love
you."
"My
child, you’ve only known me for barely six days. How can you possibly..." She
cupped my cheek but I pulled back, ripping my face from her touch I won’t let
her weaken me this way I thought. At that point I could see something inside
her shatter and crumble.
"Gabrielle. My name is Gabrielle. Stop calling me "my child", Xena." My fists were tight and my knuckles
whitened.
"I
don’t think you know what you’re saying." She tried
"I
know what I’m saying, but I don’t know why am I saying it." I sighed. "I know we’ve only known each other for
six days but I feel like I have known you my entire life. You have this balance
between darkness and lightness, between your past and present, between who you
were and who you are. You know so
much and I love listening to you. During those six days you’ve allowed me into
your soul with everything you said and did. I have seen your soul. You impress
me, Xena...and God help me, I want you."
I was at the brink of tears and I felt excruciating pain in my chest like
my heart was about to explode.
"There
is nothing I can do for you, Gabrielle, nothing at all. You must understand I am
the Prioress...we both are nuns...as much as I would...we just can’t..." She
fought with the words as another wave of chilling air brushed my face. This time
it wasn’t the wind, it was my life being sucked out of my body. I knew she was
right. We can’t be lovers because of our beliefs and because of God. It would be against our oath and it
would be an abomination in God’s eyes.
I
hoisted myself from the ground, accompanied by her agonized gaze. I turned to
leave.
"I
shall bother you no more, Prioress."
I said and lowered my head.
I knew she understood what I was saying.
"Don’t
you dare ‘Prioress’ me, Gabrielle!" I heard her yell from behind me. She grabbed
my arm and turned me around with one powerful and swift motion. Once I was
facing her she wrapped her other arm around my waist and pressed my body hard
into hers. She glanced at my lips for a brief moment and then she pierced my
eyes with hers.
"I
love you too, Gabrielle." She sighed painfully. She leaned down towards my lips
and claimed them with her own. It was a furious and passionate kiss that left me
breathless and hungry. Her lips and tongue demanded and I gave them what they
were seeking - entrance. She tasted sweetly like stolen water. My heart
overflowed with love and desire for her and I sent my hand behind her head and
rid her of her hood. Then I delved my fingers into her damp black tresses and
lowered her down harder onto me, increasing the pressure she placed on my lips.
She kissed wonderfully, her tongue was stroking mine. Her warm sensuous lips were caressing
and nibbling, first my lower lip then my upper one. Never in my life have I felt
so elated. When she felt my distress for lack of air she broke the kiss and
descended down to my neck. Licking
her trail, gently yet passionately biting my flesh. Sending shivers through my spine,
sending my body ablaze with fire.
"It’s
madness, we’ve got to stop." I
breathed heavily. I clenched a fist full of her raven hair and pushed her head
even farther into me, burying her face into my neck.
"We’ll
stop in a moment." She gasped and pulled down my hood. I felt the fingers of both of her hands
running through my short blond hair. A few moments passed and we were still
standing, kissing and sucking each other’s exposed flesh.
"Xena...it’s a sin." A sharp intake of air made the words come out
muffled from my mouth.
"I
know...just...a little longer." She moaned aloud in between kisses. I felt her
hands skillfully stripping me of my dress. In almost no time at all only my
undergarments were left on my body.
I was burning up. I needed
her badly. I felt throbbing and
warm slippery wetness between my thighs. Standing up became a burden for my
shaking legs. I wanted to lie down. She read my body and supported me as she lay
me down on the blankets. Once I was lying on them I looked at her. She slowly
stripped me from my undergarments. Once I was totally exposed to her, she stood
back up on her feet and hovered above me.
"Damn
you Gabrielle, you are so beautiful...You make me want you so much...help me
stop it!" She wailed in anguish and I knew that her need for me and her faith in
the Lord were tearing her to pieces.
"Xena,
it’s impossible for me to fight it. It’s stronger than I am." The absence of her
touch made me insane.
"We
have to, Gabrielle."
"I
know...I know...we shouldn’t be doing this." My body was flushed and its heat
peaked. She was still standing near
my feet as I was lying down. She examined my naked body with her eyes. I was
guided by desire, not by experience, as I began swaying my body for her, like a
snake. I was seductively moving my hips, spreading my legs as wide as they
allowed, showing her glazed eyes my forbidden fruit. Exposing the fruit of the
Garden of Eden, inviting her to take a bite and taste it. My green eyes never
left her blue ones. I knew she lusted for me. I could see it in her hooded and
desirous eyes. I was guided by
love, not by shame.
"I
just want to know the feel of your naked body against mine...then we’ll
stop." She said.
"Yes,
then we’ll stop." I knew once our
bodies met, we wouldn’t be able to stop. We wouldn’t be able to separate, not
till we each found release. I knew she knew it as well. She slowly took off her
dress and cross. Then she peeled her body from its undergarments. Behold, her
magnificent and glorious body was revealed before my eyes. I saw her descending
towards the ground. As she got closer to me I felt shy and bashful and so I
closed my legs. She knelt on the ground at my feet.
"I
love you more than life, Gabrielle, You are my angel." She said with a tormented voice. Tears
began to stream down her face and upon her bosom.
"I
love you, Xena, with all my heart and soul." I tried to comfort her but all I could
muster was a poor excuse for a smile. I knew that for what we were about to do,
making love to each other, we were dooming our souls to hell. But I loved her
and with that love came the inevitable want. I needed her like I needed air. I
began a silent prayer in my heart for God to forgive us Dominus, miserere nobis (God have mercy on us). Small kisses that
she rained on my feet and toes pulled me from my thoughts and prayer. Xena made
me forget God. She was my goddess.
"There
is another Protestant composer named Ditrich Buxtehude, he lived in Lubek. Have
you heard of him, Gabrielle?" She
asked me as she continued to kiss my feet, licking between my toes and slowly
sucking them. I was so aroused that her asking me about some composer during our
lovemaking didn’t even strike me as strange at the time. I just nodded, while
praying to God to make her kiss me a little northward on my body, where I needed
her the most.
"He
composed a piece that’s called "Membra Jesu Nostri" (To Jesus’ body) which is
basically a cycle of seven cantatas. Each cantata is an homage to a different
part of Jesus’ body." Now she
raised her head from my feet and looked at me. "The first one is "Ad pedes" (Upon the feet). She began to sing with
that amazing angelic alto voice of hers:
"Cirumplector cum affectu" (I embrace with deep emotion)
"Tuo
pavens in aspectu" (Fearful of thy glance)
Then
she lowered her head again and resumed her gentle ministrations to my feet, not
neglecting any toe. She then kissed her way up my legs.
"The
second cantata is "Ad genua" (Upon the knees)." She lovingly licked my knees. In between
kisses and licks she went on singing to me:
"Quid
rependam amatori" (How may I repay the lover)
"Oui elegit prome mori" (Who
chose to die for me)
"Ne dupla morte morerer" (Lest I die a double death)
My
solicitude for her rose to a fever pitch. As she kissed and loved me, I felt as
if I was flying in heaven amongst angels.
Surrounded by warmth, light and divine bliss. I felt as if I was floating
on their soft wings. There was nothing on this damned earth that equaled such
sensations. The desire in my heart and between my legs went higher.
"The
third is: "Ad manus" (Upon the hands)" She said. She moved to kneel at my side.
Then, she began her soft assault on my left hand, occasionally hovering over my
body with her torso in order to attend to my right hand, mindlessly grazing her
warm breasts on my stomach. She sang:
"Et gemendo
condelector" (With groans take delight in ye)
"Dans lacrimas cum osculis"
(Mingling tears with my kisses)
As she
was kissing and ravishing my body, I felt her boiling tears dripping on my
hands. I knew her torment was tearing up her soul and soon tears were streaming
down my face as well. My heart was aching with blasted love, forbidden love, but
there was nothing I could do. With a hoarse and cracked voice she went on:
"The
forth one is: "Ad latus" (Upon the side)". She positioned her knees on the
ground between my legs. Then, she began to ravish my waist, raining tender
kisses, occasionally sucking and biting my flesh. Her lips were leaving trails
of fire on my body. I desired her like I’d never desired anything in my life
before. Her loving me was worth an eternity in hell. Not even God is powerful
enough to extinct the love and passion I feel for my Xena. Her sorrow was my
sorrow and I knew she needed my encouragement. I gave it to her by placing my
hand on her head, pressing her harder against me. Throughout her worshiping me,
my eyes never left her. I wasn’t tempted to close them not even when she sucked
my waist so hard that she drew blood.
"Salve
latus salvatoris" (Hail, side of the Savior)
"In quo latet mel dulcoris" (In
which lies hidden the honey of sweetness)
"In quo patet vis amoris" (In which
lies open the power of love)
"Ex quo scatet fons cruoris" (From which gushes
the fount of blood)
"Qui corda lavat sordida" (Wherewith filthy hearts are
washed)
With a
husky and tortured voice she went on:
"The
fifth cantata is: "Ad pectus" (Upon the breast)"
Ad
pectus...finally she will feast on my breasts that long her loving dainty mouth
I thought to myself. I
first felt her body fully lay on top of mine, then her flaming breath on my
nipples, which hardened immediately. She swirled her tongue around my swollen
aureole before claiming my nipple. Then she licked her fingers and clasped my
other nipple, giving it the same ministrations. She suckled my breasts like a
famished infant, occasionally biting the nipples, gently, without breaking the
skin. Waves of arousal went through my body, from my breasts straight to my
loins.
"Salve,
pectus reverendum" (Hail, O breast we must revere)
"Cum tremore contingendum"
(to be touched with trembling)
"Amoris domicilium" (As the
dwelling place of love)
As she
sang I moaned loudly. My ardent desire between my thighs began to drench the
blankets beneath me. I needed release and prayed to God that my Xena would
satisfy my unquenchable craving that nested inside me.
"The
sixth cantata is: "Ad cor" (Upon the heart) she howled.
My
body was swaying beneath her. I needed to feel as much of her as possible. Her
fire and love were consuming me. She abandoned my breasts and went beneath them,
placing her ear against my body and listening to the beating of my heart.
"It
beats for you, my love." I cried in between my panting.
"Oh...Gabrielle." She
groaned, her face stained with tears. Hearing her uttering my name with such
devotion made my body tremble. I smiled in order to ease her suffering, but it
only made her cry more loudly this time. I gathered her in my arms, squeezing
her shaky body to me. I was grateful to her being such a gentle lover. She took
her time with me. She didn’t rush things. She took the time to bring pleasure to
every part of my body. I knew she was trying desperately to control herself. I
knew it wasn’t easy for her. Everything she did, she did with passion. I could see her fire when she prayed,
when she lectured us...even when she worked at the garden. I’ve noticed her
fire. I could tell she was holding back. She desired to take me hard and fast
but she didn’t. She restrained herself for me. But I was beyond ready for her at
that point.
"Love
me Xena, please...it’s what I want." I begged.
"Vulnerasti cor meum, soror mea, sousa" (Thou hast wounded my heart, my
sister, my spouse)
She
fought her crying so that she could continue to sing her love to me. Her voice
enveloped and pampered me.
"Ad
faciem" (Upon the face) is the last cantata." She said. By now her whole body covered
me. The feel of her weight on my body and her soft breasts against mine excited
me to no end. Her luscious lips caressed my eyelids, my wet cheeks, my nose and
my chin leaving no place untouched, save my lips. She was saving the best for
last.
"O amator
amplectende" (Lover whose embrace I long for)
"Temet ipsum tunc
ostende" (Show me then thy very self)
And
with these last words of singing she descended southward to the core of my
desire. She stroked the length of my center, flicking her expert tongue on my
labia. She drank the essence of my desire. Finally she reached the exact place
where I needed her most. Xena licked and sucked my swollen nub of passion
furiously, taking me to heights I never dreamed existed. The more she devoured
my engorged nub the higher she took me. I wanted to tell her how much I loved
her, but all I could do was moan. For a minute, I thought that any moment now I
would touch God. Before she entered me, knowing I was a virgin, she sent a
finger to my opening and checked to see if I was ready for her. And I was beyond
ready for her, all wet and wide to accept her into me, deep inside. After she
touched my opening, she plunged two long and skillful fingers inside my soaked
and slippery sanctum. At that point all thoughts of God, of heaven and hell were
completely erased from my mind. Only the goddess, whose face was buried in my
forbidden fruit, existed. She built a steady rhythm with her tongue and fingers,
a primal pace of lovemaking.
I felt
the waves of release approaching, on the verge of claiming me. I involuntary
arched my back, pushing Xena’s head farther into my throbbing swollen core. I
was afraid of succumbing to the climax. I tried to hold back. Xena felt it and
said to me with the softest of voice,
"Don’t
fight it...let go...please...come."
I came
hard, my entire body shaking and quivering.
"XENA!" I shouted her name
as climax crashed into me. She rode the waves with me, continuing her assault,
bringing upon me the bliss of yet another climax and another and another.
"I
can’t take anymore." I cried. Only
then did she stop. She licked my core clean from the great quantity of wetness
that poured from it. She climbed back up to me, while sporadically leaving warm
loving kisses along the way. My skin was flushed, wet and sensitive and while
she placed those kisses, it convulsed. Our lips met again. I could taste myself
upon her lips and on her tongue.
A new
desire arose in me. The desire to please her, to love her passionately, to
worship her body as she did mine. I embraced her and rolled with her on the
blankets. Now she was on her back.
"Tell
me I’m what you need." I
begged.
"Gabrielle..." She moaned. "I need you to love me."
All of
a sudden a tremendous fear attacked my heart and I blushed.
"I’ve
never done this before...I’m not sure how." I stammered.
"Do
what you please, my love, just touch me...I’ll be pleased with anything you’ll
give me." She smiled to assure me.
And with that I took her lips with mine. The kiss started as a gentle one, but
soon became deep and passionate. I could sense her hunger for me. My lips left
hers and went to her throat, kneading her flesh, caressing her soft skin. I
planted kisses on her collarbone as my hand went lower to her womanhood. By the
wetness I found there, I knew I was pleasing her tremendously. I gathered some
of her juices and smeared it on her swollen nub. I gently stroked her erection.
I tarried for a while. I didn’t want to release her so soon. My hungry mouth
found her breasts. I suckled her nipples to hardness. At that point I couldn’t
decide whether I loved her singing more or her passionate moaning and
groaning.
"Gabrielle." She purred my name repeatedly. I let my hands cup her
breasts, replacing my mouth. My mouth descended to her well-toned abdomen. While
I treated her belly, her sexual aroma tickled my nostrils like incense. I couldn’t resist it any more and delved
my tongue into her sexual core, frantically baptizing my tongue with her
wetness, tasting the forbidden fruit of heaven. She did have the taste of
heaven. While I was licking her hardened nub, I penetrated her with my fingers,
pumping her in and out. I felt her slick inner muscles clench and unclench
around my fingers. I venerated her sex with everything I had. I felt her body
stiffen and I knew Xena was done for. Upon her powerful climax she
screamed:
"JESUS
CHRIST.... GABRIELLE!"
I kept
on licking her center till the convulsions subsided. I lay beside her, my head
on her shoulder.
"Didn’t you tell me you just wouldn’t tolerate blasphemy?" I smirked. She laughed at my
comment.
"I
knew it would happen....there goes your respect and subordination..." We were
both laughing now. A few more silent moments had past during which I lazily drew
circles on Xena’s sweaty abdomen with my fingers.
"What
happens now?" I asked with a small voice, terrified of what she was going to
say.
"Regarding what?" She asked.
"Regarding us." I retorted with a smaller voice than before.
"I
thought you would know by now...after everything that happened between us
tonight." She sounded offended and hurt. She misunderstood me.
"We
are lovers, my Xena." I concluded and smiled. In return, she embraced me tight to her
body. She covered both our bodies with a blanket, making sure my back was well
and fully covered. She placed a gentle kiss on my forehead.
"I
wish we could sleep in each others arms and wake up together in the morning." I
sighed. She didn’t respond to my comment. There was no point in responding,
really. There was nothing either of us could do about it. One cannot make things
happen just by wishing.
"I
want to hold you for just a few more minutes, then I’ll take you back to the
Dormitorium." She said dryly but I knew she was concealing the grief that our
separation tonight would yield.
********
She
escorted me to the Dormitorium and conveyed her sorrow for not being able to
wake up with me in her arms. I smiled. I stood on the tip of my toes, threw my
arms behind her neck and claimed her crimson lips with mine. When we separated
she whispered in my ear:
"Will
you come to me tomorrow?"
"Yes,
my love." I assured her. I entered the Dormitorium and she retired to her own
chamber. Once inside I lay on my bed and awaited blissful sleep. But it didn’t come. Instead, awful
thoughts about what the Prioress and I did tonight haunted me. I was ashamed of
myself for having such a weak and wretched body that failed to resist
temptation, a body that failed God’s test. I wanted my body to be punished for
being so lustful. I knew the Prioress, being the saintly woman that she was
wouldn’t expect any less from me. I knew she would be proud of what I was about
to do. I pulled up my habit, exposing my back and then rubbed it hard against
the stony wall and the cross that was hanging there. That treatment covered my
back with scratches and blood dribbled from it. It hurt and burned but I didn’t
make a sound so as not to wake the other nuns. After I was done, after the pain
became unbearable, I stopped. I rolled down my habit, covering my wounded back,
and laid back down. At one point I fell asleep. I guess I was more tired than
aching.
*********
6/12/1750 Sunday
The
Mass was beautiful. The Prioress accompanied the boys’ choir singing perfectly
and it sounded as if angels were singing. It lifted my spirit. Well that, and
the memory of the Prioress ravishing me from last night. A Franciscan Priest, by
the name of Father Johann conducted the Mass, he was an elderly man. When it was
time for communion all the nuns stood in one long line and waited their turn to
get the sacrament of Christ from Father Johann. When my turn arrived I strode
towards the priest and he placed the communion in my mouth and smiled at me.
From the corner of my eye I noticed the Prioress watching me carefully. My heart
skipped a beat. She’s probably reminiscing about last night and wants to have
me again. I thought to
myself and just barely managed contain a giggle.
The
Mass was finally over and confession time in the Confession booth had arrived. I
looked around for the Prioress, hoping I would find her and we could sneak out
of the chapel and into her bedchamber and make love again. Alas I didn’t find
her.
Before
entering the booth, the priest approached me and said that since I was the
newest nun in the convent I should be the last one to enter the booth. I bowed
my head and went to sit on the one of the chapel’s benches and waited my turn
for confession. I have decided I would not tell him about the Prioress and me.
Not because I was ashamed of our love, and not because I didn’t want absolution.
I didn’t want the priest to report to his superiors about the Prioress -
something that might cost her, her position. I thought it is best to keep it to
myself.
Minutes passed by and my turn to enter the confession booth arrived. Just
before I entered I noticed that all my sisters had left the chapel and went to
the dining hall. I was touring with my eyes for my beloved Prioress in vain. I
sat on the stool inside the booth. The priest opened the small partition
revealing a wooden net that divested my ability to see his face clearly.
"Bless
me father for I have sinned."
He
asked me when my last confession was and I answered truthfully. I told him about
the incident with giving the boys from the choir some food, which was a direct
violation with the Prioress’ orders. I knew that was a bad thing to do, but the
priest sounded shocked and upset when I told him what I had done. He ordered me
to get inside his section in the confession booth and kneel before him. I
thought it was strange but I did as he asked for I didn’t want to make the
Prioress angry with me for disobeying the priest. I saw him rolling up his robe.
I didn’t understand what he was doing. I was just kneeling in front of him.
"What
is your name, my child?" He asked and I could hear his breath quickening.
"Sister Gabrielle, father." I answered.
"Nuns
are God’s brides, my child." He exposed his sex member to my widened astonished
eyes.
"We
priests are God’s messengers." He began rubbing his organ with his hands, making
it bigger, thicker and harder. Sweat began beading on his forehead.
"You
need to serve God as a wife serves her husband, my child, this is an important
duty." I was shocked and scared. Though I am a naive nun, it was clear to me
what the priest wanted.
"Open
your mouth, my child, insert my manhood into your mouth and serve God through
his messenger." I was paralyzed. This is God’s punishment for my making love
with the Prioress. This is God’s wrath showered upon me for seducing the
Prioress. I know that if I hadn’t confessed my love for her, she would never
have taken me. God is reclaiming his possession of me as his bride I
thought. I looked at him. The priest didn’t show any mercy. He smiled a dirty
smile and drooled. He was holding his erection in one hand and with his other
hand he pushed my head towards his organ
"Open
up, my child, open wide. Be good and worship God. Blow the pipe, my child, this
is your salvation." I saw his erection closing the gap between itself and my
mouth. Silent tears were streaming down my eyes and I felt I didn’t have the
right to pray to God for help.
I
didn’t even hear the door of the confession booth open behind me. I tilted my
head, looked up and saw the Prioress standing behind me. I saw rage in her eyes
like I have never seen before. The priest was startled and frantically pushed
down his robe, covering his nudity.
"You
miserable pig." She hissed. She took the large pendent cross that she wore
around her neck and pulled its lower stick and a sharp blade was drawn. She
ripped her necklace from around her neck and with one powerful swift motion she
slit the priest’s throat. Blood burst out of the priest’s arteries. He tried to
cover his throat with his hands in hopes of stopping the raging river of blood
pouring out of it, but he failed. I was stunned. I lost control over my body. It
violently shook and it refused to stand upon its feet.
"Get
out of here, Gabrielle!" The Prioress shouted. Without even thinking I stood up
and ran out of the confession booth as if the Devil was on my trail. I ran to
the safest place I knew - the bell tower. I was too excited to think any
rational thoughts. Yet there was no escaping the truth. The Prioress murdered
the priest. She killed him because he was about to molest me. She protected me
from him. I wanted her to come up here and hold me. I wanted to hold her. I
wanted her to explain things because understanding this madness was beyond a
young nun like me.
I
waited for her arrival for quite some time. I was afraid. I was afraid she would
be caught. I was afraid she would be taken away from me. I prayed to the Mother
of God that she would keep my Xena safe from harm and that she would bring her
to me as quickly as possible. I wanted my Xena to be with me. I needed her to
tell me she was fine.
I
looked outside noticing it was late afternoon. I saw the Prioress dragging a
huge heavy sack outside the convent and headed towards the garden. I saw her
reaching a certain spot. She let go of the sack and opened it. She took out a
shovel from the sack and began digging a hole in the ground. I knew there was
something else in the sack. It looked way to heavy to contain a shovel alone.
The reason for her digging a hole in the ground slowly sunk in. She went on
digging deeper and deeper, till it was so deep that I lost the sight of her.
Then I saw her hands sticking out of the hole and placing the shovel next to the
rim. She got out, all dirty and sweaty. She dragged the sack and threw it down
the pit. I could hear the thump it made at the point of impact. Once on the
bottom of the pit, the Prioress covered the grave with dirt until it was covered
neatly. She restored the earth back to its place so it didn’t look suspicious,
so it didn’t look as if a person was just buried there. The Prioress wiped the
sweat that beaded on her forehead and tilted her head up to the bell tower. She
saw me standing there. We looked at each other for several short moments. She
didn’t wave to me, or signal to me in any way. She just stood there and looked
at me. At some point she turned and went back into the convent.
By the
time she returned, it was already evening. The sisters waited for her in chapel.
The Prioress went first to the Bath-chamber in order to clean up the mess that
Father Johann’s murder left on her. She attended the chapel and afterwards the
dining hall as was required of her, and when asked, said I was ill and resting
in the infirmary.
After
bedtime, when it was quiet again in the convent and the sisters were sleeping
soundly in the Dormitorium, the Prioress went up to the bell tower. As she
entered, I ran to her and hugged her tight in my arms. All the stress and horror
that this day bore with it came crashing down on me and I wept like a little
child in her protective arms. She soothed me. She removed my hood and was
tenderly stroking my hair.
"Are
you alright, sweetheart?" She gently asked.
"I’m
fine." I assured her "Are you?"
"I’m
fine too."
We
embraced for a little while longer. Eventually, she set down on the blankets,
pulling me down with her. She cradled me in her strong and loving arms as if I
was a small child.
"You
do realize there was nothing else I could have done." She began. She wasn’t
looking at me.
"Couldn’t you take me out of there and once I was safe, file a complaint
with his superiors?" I asked with an even tone. I did trust her, but I also knew
her. She was a passionate woman. I suspected she used violence as a first
resort.
"You
are so naive, Gabrielle. You simply haven’t the slightest idea about how things
work in this world. A lot of his superiors were priests too at one point. Some
of them attended convents and some of those raped some of the nuns in those
convents. Filing a complaint is useless. All his superiors would have done was
make sure I wouldn’t breathe a word about those things to another living soul."
She explained. "There was a Prioress I knew who complained about a priest who
was touching her nuns...she was put in an asylum...I haven’t heard a word from
her since." She smiled as if to ease and lighten up the horrible truth she was
revealing. She started gently rocking me.
"Still...killing him for..." I began. She didn’t let me finish and
snapped at me, ceasing rocking me.
"He
had been raping my nuns for years now!" She was almost yelling, when she
realized her anger was misplaced she continued with a softer voice while
resuming the rocking. "He especially liked the young ones. I knew about it for a
long time. A few years back I had noticed some of my nuns’ behavior had changed.
They became lifeless. There was no light or joy in their eyes. I had reckoned it
had gotten worse after confession. I had being hiding during confessions very
close to the booth. My worst fears were confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt. I
urged my nuns to come forward and speak to me. A few of his victims came and
talked to me about it eventually. Knowing how things work in the order I kept
silent and did nothing about it. I tried my best to ease my nuns suffering and
whenever I saw the priest grow too fond one particular nun, I would excuse her
from mass on Sunday under the false pretense she was ill. Being a physician, he
never questioned my discretion."
"There
was nothing you could have done."
"That’s where you’re wrong, Gabrielle. I should have gutted that stinking
twisted pig years ago." She hissed. I got out of her cradling arms and sat
opposite her.
"Then
why didn’t you?"
"I was
in the belief...As a matter of fact I still believe so...That life and death
should be only in the hands of God and not man." She replied. She sent one
hesitating finger and moved a stray lock of hair from my eyes.
"So
what made you kill him today?" I asked. I don’t know why, but I suspected what
the answer would be.
"Because of you...When I saw the way he placed communion in your mouth
and the look he had on his face...I knew he was coming after you... I just
couldn’t allow him to touch you and taint you. I love you and I could not let
you get hurt like that. You are so pure, so good and joyful Gabrielle, I
couldn’t let him take away your light. Besides, you are mine. I wouldn’t allow
anyone to touch you the way that is reserved only for me."
"Thank
you, Xena." I whispered. "Are you alright, Xena? After all you killed a priest..."
"I’m
fine."
"...Not such a saint as you’ve been told, eh?" She sounded so bitter. "I
killed him because I was selfish. I didn’t kill him sooner because I hadn’t been
as motivated then as I was today." There was nothing I could have said that
would have taken those feelings of guilt from her.
"Lets
make a pact...Never to bring this subject up again...let’s put it behind
us...you buried him deep." I said
thinking it would take away her pain.
"People will come looking for him." She said matter of fact.
"They
won’t find him...We’ll tell them he left after confession and that was the last
we saw him." I suggested.
"Very
well." She concluded "God forbid I ever bring that subject up again."
We
kept on sitting in the bell tower. I waited for her to kiss me and take me, but
she didn’t do anything. When it had gotten a little late she stood up. She
offered me her hand and I grabbed it. She hoisted me to my feet and asked
me:
"Would
you like me to escort you back to the Dormitorium, love?" I looked at her with
disappointed green eyes and said bashfully:
"Don’t
you want to take me tonight, Xena?" I thought to myself that maybe because the
priest laid his hands on me she considered me damaged goods and didn’t see me
worthy of being her lover any more.
"You
have no idea how much I want you, Gabrielle. I was afraid that after you were
traumatized by that pig, you wouldn’t want to be touched this way."
"I
need you to touch me that way, especially tonight. I want you to cleanse my body
from the filth he left on me...please Xena...don’t make me beg..." I barely
recognized my voice. It was so low, husky and heavy with desire. My nipples had
grown so sensitive I could feel the fabric of my dress against them. I didn’t
wait for her to rid me of my nun’s clothing. Tonight, I did it myself and in
haste. With two quick steps I closed the gap between our two yearning bodies. I
assaulted her, planting my right hand behind her head and my left arm wrapped
around her strong shoulders. I pressed my lips hard against hers. I sucked her
lips as hard as I could...I wanted to swallow her. The fact that she wasn’t a
part of my body, a flesh of my flesh, frustrated me. I pierced her lips with a
thick hard tongue and penetrated the wet cavern of her mouth. Once our tongues
touched the battle for control and maximum contact began. When we came up for
air, I ordered her to take off her clothes as well. She neither argued nor gave
me a comment to put me in place...she obeyed like a loyal disciple. I wanted to
possess her, as she possessed me, and so I assaulted her again. Kissing her lips hard, with everything I
had in me. I enveloped her naked body with mine. I walked foreword until I
cornered her, pressing her against a wall with my body. She was surprised, yet I
could tell my aggressiveness and assertiveness was setting her ardent desire on
fire. My hand left her tresses and cupped her milky breasts, teasing her nipples
with my fingers. She soon gained control over me.
She
knelt before me. She cupped my buttocks with both of her hands and pulled my
sexual core into her mouth. She licked my length long and hard. Again, she took
her time with me, giving me a chance to enjoy each lick and each nibble. I heard
her humming in delight as she suckled my juices from me. My body was weak and my
legs were about to give out from under me as she went on stroking my erect hard
nub with her tongue. So, I leaned foreword on the wall in front of me, placing
my palms against it. Her slow and gentle ministrations, weren’t enough, I needed
more. I spread my legs further apart, and pushed my sexual inferno harder
against her face till her head was against the wall. I pushed even harder to
gain more friction to my sex. My desire inflamed her. She understood what I
wanted and began licking sucking and chewing my clitoris frantically. Then she
impaled my throbbing core with her fingers, circling them deep inside me. I came
in a mad rush and screamed her name. My legs couldn’t bear my weight any longer
and I collapsed to the floor. Xena’s strong arms caught me as I fell. She
embraced me and placed soft kisses on my wet forehead. After I had rested a
little in Xena’s arms I made love to her as well.
20/03/1751 Monday
It’s
been almost a year since the Prioress and I became lovers. Life couldn’t have
been better for me. She is my soulmate, my other half. She makes me whole, makes
me feel alive. During the days she was the Prioress. She didn’t pay me any
special treatment, nor did she show any signs that gave away her love for me.
During the days, amongst the other nuns, she behaved as though I was just
another nun to her. I wasn’t angry with her. I understood. But during the nights
I playfully demanded from her that she make it up to me, to compensate for her
alienation towards me. She was more than happy to oblige. We talked and loved
every night. She was my life and I was hers.
A week
after the unfortunate incident in the convent, three investigators came looking
for Father Johann. The Prioress told them she hasn’t seen him since he left the
convent after confession. The investigators believed her and left, never to
return again.
Tomorrow, the Prioress is traveling to Leipzig. Her friend, Bach, died
last year and tomorrow is his Memorial Day.
21/3/1751 Tuesday
Last
night, before she left, we made passionate love. If I had known that that was
the last time she and I ever made love I would have stayed asleep in her arms
and wouldn’t return to the Dormitorium. I began to miss her even before she
left. She promised me she would be back within three days only. "You won’t even
know I’m gone." She said. Her
absence was unbearable. I couldn’t think of anything but her. I knew that this
temporary separation wasn’t easy for her either. I prayed to God to keep her
safe on the roads and to bring her back to me as quickly as possible.
Then
the disaster happened. A terrible storm struck Baden and the convent’s garden
was flooded. The body of Father Johann surfaced and was discovered by Sister
Agnes. She sent for the investigators immediately. I was terrified. I decided not to talk
to anyone till Xena gets back. She would know what to do. I had such a bad
feeling about the whole thing.
Upon
her return, she met with the investigators. In almost no time at all the Prioress
confessed to the murder. She was shackled like a common criminal and was taken
away to the penitentiary in Baden. Before she walked out of the convent’s door
she looked back as if searching for me. Her eyes met mine. She tried to smile
and make me feel that it would soon blow over and that in no time at all I’d be
meeting her at the bell tower for a wonderful night of love. But I could read in
her eyes that weren’t going to happen.
22/3/1751
Wednesday
She
faced trial the very next day. She said nothing in her defense. There was no
point in her mind and I knew she was right. The magistrate sentenced her to
death by hanging. The sentenced scheduled to be carried out the very next day.
It didn’t come as a surprise to me. After all that was a woman who killed a man,
the ranks within the order don’t matter at all. If the highest-ranking woman
verses the lowest-ranking man. The man would be the one who would have
prevailed. That’s the way the world works. And all the love I had for my Xena
couldn’t have saved her.
Throughout her trail I wasn’t allowed to see her alone in her cell. I had
been with her during deliberations and during sentencing. I wouldn’t have let
her walk through that nightmare all alone. I showed her all the love I could
during her trial. It was very difficult to maintain a cool-temper during Sister
Agnes’ testimony. She told the court that she knew the Prioress had been
copulating with a certain nun in the convent. She said she wouldn’t reveal her
name for she was young and could be reformed. I had no idea Sister Agnes saw me
with the Prioress.
Once
she was sentenced I was permitted to visit her in her cell, but only for a
little while. That was her last night on the face of the earth. She was to be
executed the next day, at first light.
After
I entered her cell we were left alone. She tried to smile at the sight of me but
failed. She tried to look brave for me. She tried to make the impression that
she wasn’t afraid to die. Foolish Xena.
She didn’t have to pretend for me.
I already knew that she was perfect. When I smiled at her she burst into
tears and knelt before me, placing her head on my breasts. I held her tight and
soothed her.
"I
don’t want you to be present during my execution...it’s hideous and shouldn’t be
watched by a pure and gentle soul like yours." She wailed.
"I
won’t leave you, Xena. I won’t let you die alone." I argued.
"No..."
"Xena,
I want you to witness love when you breathe your last breath." I said softly and
squeezed her tighter against me.
"Thank
you, my love." She stood up, cupped
my cheeks with both her hands and looked deep into my eyes. "I don’t want you to
feel any guilt as if you are responsible for my death...none of it was your
fault. I made the decision to kill the pig, not you, and I would do it again to
protect you. I want you to promise me you won’t feel guilty...come on, love, let
me hear it."
"I
promise, Xena." I eventually gave in.
"Promise me, sweet Gabrielle, that you’ll go on living your life as if
nothing happened. I want you to forget me. Live a happy life. Don’t think about
the loss of me. Don’t think of me at all. Open your heart to God and
love....promise me." She insisted.
"I
can’t promise you that."
"Please, Gabrielle...won’t you give me some peace of mind before I’m
gone?" Her words broke my heart. How could I promise her I’d forget her or stop
loving her or keep living a happy life? How could I survive without her? She was my life. I knew what I had to
do, and so I gave her my word that I’d try to do my best and pretend she never
existed.
"I
promise, Xena." I lied.
"Kiss
me one last time, my love." She pleaded.
I
captured her lips with mine. It was a soul-searing kiss that went on for a long
time and was deep. It was wet with salty tears. Our tongues visited each other
for the last time, dancing and bathing each other, clinging to each other as if
for dear life. Upon hearing the key in the lock of the cell we broke away from
one another.
I exited her cell and left. During the night I
wandered around the facility in which Xena was held.
23/3/1751
Thursday
At
first light she was dragged out of her cell and into the city’s square where a
scaffold awaited her. There were many people surrounding the area. They all came
to see the murderous Prioress being executed. I elbowed my way in order to stand
in the front row. I wanted to have a clear view of Xena and I wanted her to see
me too. She refused to wear a blindfold. The executioner wrapped the noose
around her neck. Our eyes were locked. I didn’t cry. I just looked at her and
smiled at her, beaming with all the love I had in myself for her. I knew she was
grateful.
"I
love you, Xena." I mouthed without a sound.
"I
love you too, Gabrielle."
And
then, she was gone.
There
are no words to describe what I felt the moment she departed. Well, there is one
word that comes to mind...Emptiness. I couldn’t bring myself to cry then. The
sorrow and pain were too great. I was empty and drained.
I went
back to the convent. I learned that Sister Agnes became the Prioress of the
convent.
At
night, I exited the Dormitorium and went to the bath-chamber. I filled the bath,
the one she and I used to share, with hot water. I took off my clothing and
entered the bath. I closed my eyes and imagined her there, sitting with me
inside the bath, talking to me, looking at me, washing my hair, soaping my back,
laughing. I imagined the way she used to emerge out of the water like Venus when
she was done. The Prioress was indeed the Goddess of Love. I loved the way she
shielded me from the cold wind.
After
I finished bathing I went to the bell tower. I spent the night there. I imagined
she was up there with me, holding me, kissing me, touching me, making love to
me. I could feel her hands running all over my body. I could feel her warm
breath accompanying her passionate kisses. I could feel creamy breasts upon
mine. I could feel her talented tongue loving my womanhood. I could see the love
she had for me.
Only
then I cried.
I
cried loud. I screamed and wailed my pain and anguish. My soul never knew such
sorrow, my heart never knew such loneliness. I never knew such emptiness. She
was my life.
"May
God reunite us in Heaven. Amen."
24/3/1751 Saturday
Dear
Parents,
I am
sorry to be the bearer of such terrible news but your daughter Sister Gabrielle
was found dead this morning. It appears that she jumped off the convent’s bell
tower. I assumed she lost her will to live after her affair with the previous
Prioress.
Since
Gabrielle committed suicide, I won’t bury her in the convent’s cemetery. You are
required to come and take her body.
My condolences,
Sister
Agnes, "Our Lady of Sorrows"’ Prioress.